As a high-performing, type-A person, I like to tell people, “I get more moles and abnormalities removed before 9am than most people do all day.” I think the Army or Marines used to use that catchy slogan.
Yup. Hate to brag, but a couple spots on my back were deemed, “suspicious,” and my Dermatologist removed them this morning. One needed two stitches. One needed only a band-aid. I’m not worried (OK …well maybe a little until 10 days from now when the labs come back …and when I have to ask my wife to attend to the dressing of my wounds …hot bedroom stuff, right?). I’m primarily of Eastern European descent and don’t really burn while out in the sun. And because I don’t “burn”, in my youth, I didn’t wear sunscreen at all. And I had a pool in my backyard as a kid. I was born in 1973 so I spent my childhood and teen years in a pool and employed the following sunbathing regimen.
- Step 1: In late Spring/Early Summer, go outside without a shirt and BURN. And I mean BURN VISCIOUSLY!
- Step 2: Deal with the pain of the sunburn and blisters until it peels away leaving a beautiful tan.
- Step 3: Enjoy your summer.
My days were spent in the pool, then laying on the patio “tanning” and then probably riding my bike shirtless, playing kickball shirtless, eating lunch outside shirtless, and pretty much just browning myself constantly like a S’more. As I got older, I got smarter. I learned a perfect tan doesn’t just happen …you gotta make it happen. So I used many bottles of Hawaiian Tropic Deep Tanning Oil (SPF 4) or simply straight up Johnson & Johnson Baby Oil. Can you believe that might be coming back to haunt me? Notice Hawaiian Tropic used the word “oil” instead of “lotion” or “sun block.”
Could I sue them?
Full disclosure, I didn’t use anything over SPF 8 until my late 20s. People who’ve met me since think I’m a dork with pale skin who can’t tan …trust me …I can tan with the best of the best, but I’ve chosen an alternate path. I’ve chosen a wide-brimmed sunhat (an expensive hat from Peter Grimm, if you must know) and, more recently, swim shirts.
Yes. Swim shirts. I just bought my fourth …a dark blue Speedo …to add another color along with my all-black Champion swim shirt, and my Hunter brand swim shirt. Yes. They’re all long sleeve and, yes, I look completely lame but after the events of this past month which included a biopsy, two mole removals, and a frowny/concerned face from my dermatologist, I don’t care that I’m the embodiment of Jim Gaffigan’s “long sleeve swim shirt” bit (see below).
I don’t even look all that fat in it. Hooray!
What’s my point? Well …I’m as vain as anyone …I promise you. I’m so vain, in fact, I just switched from Kiehl’s Facial Fuel and Eye Fuel products to Rodan + Fields Multifunction Eye Cream and Redefine Triple Defense. I like when people gasp when I say I’m “45 years old.” Maybe they’re just being nice, but maybe they aren’t, and maybe my detailed, daily, vanity-inspired skin care routine is part of it. Either way, I love when they can’t believe I’m 45 and that I have three kids, two of whom are teenagers.
What I don’t long for is anyone saying, “wow, you have an amazing tan.”
Go ahead. Laugh at me. Or …join me. If you want to know where to get a badass swim shirt, or you need my friend P.H.’s contact info to order your own Rodan + Fields, leave a comment or email me.
I haven’t posted anything in a month since I turned 45. I’m not having a mid-life crisis or anything (I actually went through that already when I turned 40). Nope. I’m enjoying life and now I’m working on ideas and things to make my next 45 years totes amazing.
OK. Now. Like I said. Laugh and get started with Jim Gaffigan.